Video of the Day

Time for us to judge you.... watch this video and answer two questions...
what is the person driving's race?
what is the person driving's gender?

Asian Women, where good driving goes to die...

Three's Company

So I have recently gotten engaged to the most wonderful woman I have ever met, I could not be happier with my fiancée and our life together. Now with that said there is one caveat. We have a special "condition" that we operate our relationship under. And that is the Rule of Three. No, that isn't referring to Kevin Bacon and connecting him to any other actor by a link of three movies, it also does not refer to "doing it" three times a night, HAHA we haven't done it three times in a night since... well let's move along. It stands for the concept that we each get three people that if the circumstances ever were to pop up, we could "sleep" with and not have repercussions from the other about having betrayed our relationship. Now before you get all worked up, let me give you some of the ground rules. First it cannot be anyone that you actually know, have met, or are currently planning to meet. Secondly they have to be famous or relatively unattainable, so its not like we are talking about Seth Green or something here. I mean a homeless dude that lives under a bridge and huffs paint could probably "sleep" with Seth Green, I mean he lives in the next cardboard box over, how hard could it be? The goal is for this to be humorous but also as a safety net just in case one of us were ever to get lucky.

Now on to the specifics, for me personally there are a lot of angles to take, and alot of considerations to go over. Most guys would go sex appeal and say something like Giselle, Brooklyn Decker, and Megan Fox. But that is lame, most of those chicks are level 10 hotties but cmon who hasn't slept with a bunch of level ten hotties? Wait... you haven't, well I guess we can't all be Rico Suave, like myself. Some of you are a little more like this version of Rico Suave. But that is besides the point. In my three I went a few different directions, I had categories. First off the hottie category. This was a very hard decision to make, the extra joint of Shakira's hips, or the very fiesty and generally sexy Jenny McCarthy? The decision was tough but Shakira wins do to age and height, she is shorter than me, or at least close to being shorter than me and that is a rare commodity in my world. Case in point.

The next category was money, I mean if women can be gold diggers so can men, so in this category my first thought was Madonna, and I know she is older and gross, ok really gross, but her reported net worth is somewhere around 650 million, let me repeat that 650 MILLION!!! But if I am being honest there is only room in my heart for one super rich woman and that my friends is the sexy, the effervescent, the voluptuous.... OPRAH!!!!! I mean i popped a wood just thinking about getting my hands on some of her money. In my mind she leaves brief cases full of cash laying around everywhere and I could just disappear with one. Also you know she eats well, and I also love to eat well. Oprah is my "Great White Buffalo". I would even go this far.

The last category is going to be the wild card, once you have hotness and money you have all your important bases covered, wait whats that? Personality? You've got to be kidding me, personality schermsonality. Can you say overrated? My last choices are between these lovely ladies:
Martha Stewart- I am money hungry what do you want from me?

Betty White- she can make me laugh and thats important

Kim Kardashian ( I mean do I really need to detail her ASSets? I think we are all on the same page.

And last but certainly not least Penelope Cruz (in this photo Woody does the talking, and no you pervert I am not talking about my penis, his name is Little Diddy, remember from yesterday? This Woody.

The final slot is awarded to......Penelope Cruz, simply because I think she is the most beautiful woman in the world, she has an accent, and in the end.... she has huge boobs, and I am a simple man.

To revisit this part, Lauren (my fiancée) is totally fine with my three because she has her own (and also when i tell her who is in my three and that it could totally happen, she says, "sure it will babe, sure it will", then laughs hysterically in my face). She has told me that her list revolves around Wee-Man, David Spade, and Verne Troyer, do not ask me why she feels that way. But I have heard short guys are good in bed.

Anyways that is the topic for today, and I would love to get some feedback on everyone else's three. And just because I know you are all greedy bastards, I will put the $10 mcd's gift card up for the person who has the best list of three in the comments section. And as always you cannot win the contest if you aren't following the blog, so please follow. Thanks guys, you'll have to excuse me Oprah is calling.

Photo of the Day

1 in 5 marriages is from Match.com.... hopefully this guy sees that commercial, and omits these things from his profile...

Video of the Day

Glad to see I'm not the only one who drinks my way through Christmas.... 

Photo of the Day

Hide your husbands.....

Early Bird Is the most Tired Bird

In life I find there are few things that annoy me quite as much as my alarm clock's alarm sound, besides matt james that is. Obviously the logical thought is to get an alarm clock that has one of those rain forest modes, or one that says "wake up, its time to wake up prince Garett" in a calm and soothing voice. That would be missing the point really, as no matter what sound is determined to wake me up at 7am I will learn to hate, I am good at that. I was thinking this morning about how alarm clocks are more universally hated than just about any other thing in the world, yes I know what your thinking, people can't hate alarm clocks more than rectal thermometers, getting a hernia check for sports as a kid (meaning your doctor has to cup your balls with his hands while you cough), watching someone who is a tad heavy do the shake weight, snowboarding, or being on public transportation with someone that smells very much like their own urine, that sort of thing. The issue is most of these only happen occasionally, unless YOU'RE that person that is on public transportation that smells like urine (which i guess if it was you, you might be used to it) Honestly I believe it isn't close, alarm clocks are on the same level as the guy who wrote "who let the dogs out", the person who created Hello Kitty, or any woman on any season of Real Housewives. Thats some pretty elite company.

Furthermore what I thought is interesting is everyones alarm habits. For instance my lovely fiancee is a quick riser, she has one alarm and one snooze every morning. I on the other hand am quite different, I set an alarm for 5:50AM, then have 15 minute snooze intervals all the way up to 6:50, then i ahve a second alarm set for 6:50 with 10 minute snooze intervals that i can hit once, or twice if I am feeling very lazy, that is a total of 5-6 snoozes every morning. In my mind it gives me a "gradual wake up". On the flip side though this also means I hear my alarm about 4-5 times more than most people. Frequently when I am dreaming and I hear my alarm, the alarm will become part of my dream. So for instance the other night I was desperately trying to break into a Krispy Kreme Doughnut Store "in my dreams" and as I was nearing entry to that sweet sweet heaven, I heard a noise, I turned around and the cops had me surrounded, but their sirens sounded a little off, what the fuck is that noise? My alarm clock, ugh, their sirens where my alarm clock. Here I was ready for an epic doughnut battle involving a sweet shootout (not bullets, sprinkles only) followed by a high speed getaway in a doughnut truck (doughnuts for wheels), etc. But is was foiled by my alarms incessant need to wake me up, my alarm is sooo needy.

Another funny thing about waking up is a persons response time to your alarm. For instance I am a mixed bag, sometimes i shoot up out of bed as if I heard an ice cream truck playing its song outside and I know I only have 45 seconds to catch it before its too far (a big fear of mine). While other times I don't respond for several minutes (this is typically when I am getting down and dirty with Jenny McCarthy Circa the Singled Out Era on MTV. It's ok everyone Jenny McCarthy is in my "three" so its all good. I will elaborate on that another day).

Lastly, my favorite part of waking up is laying in bed for the first few moments and running through my list of possible excuses to not go in, or to go in late. Every morning I think of different excuses for reasons not to go in. This ranges form the normal, my car wouldn't start, to the crazy, I got mugged and the robber took my car key but not my car.....?. Sometimes I get a little creative, for instance: A trash truck has me blocked in, I am on a date with Jenny McCarthy, I scheduled a dentist appointment late late late the night before and have to go in early this morning, or I broke my ankle on the way down the stairs, but it should be all better by tomorrow. Only thing is that as I wake up every morning I realize how retarded this all sounds. So I go to the bathroom where I sit on the pot and set my third alarm... just kidding, I am not that ridiculous, thats only some mornings.

Can't Decide Which I like Better:

Doughnuts or Hotdogs. What you thought I was Talking about Jenny? Please people I am an engaged man, Jenny has no place in my life.....only in my dreams.

PS: Thursday is Going to be Guest Writer Day, so anyone who might want to share their Little Diddy (actually thats what I called my penis for a while) with the rest of the crew please let me know and we can have a nice reoccurring guest spot every Thursday. Thanks Guys Let me know who is in!

Winners and losers

We are proud to announce that we have chosen a winner for the make your own band contest.... well three winners. Below are the winners, with their band names and photos.


Best Overall - Claudia Datillo
Band Name - Weedpatch, California
Album Name - nothing, not even... knowledge, was foolproof.

Almost as Cool (best photo) - Matt James

Band Name - Savage GT

Album Name - Guided Missiles and Misguided Men

Over and Above Award* - John Douglas

Band Name - McLaren park

Album Name - If We Play It Right It's All We Need

Band Name - Grochowe

Album Name - be pure, but not yet

*we expect this kind of devotion from EVERY reader.... JD, we salute you for your creativity.... you would have been the clear winner had you been a blog 'follower'. 

All winners please contact Garett or myself to claim your prize, and please tell all of your friends how cool you are because you won, and send them the blog link

And in case you couldn't tell... the rest of you are losers.... 

Video of the Day

Fairly certain this is fake... and it's been making the rounds, hopefully some of you haven't seen this and will enjoy!

Photo of the Day

ahhh back to work.... where it always feels like someone is watching you....

Where I'm From

Growing up just south of Columbus (15-20 minute drive to Downtown) was much different than I think a lot of my friends grew up. For starters I didn't have one friend who took Adderall, Ritalin, or any sort of behavioral drug like that. If you were hyper where I was from, that meant that you had the energy to do more chores (this part doesn't pertain to me as I am an only child and according to my parents, the greatest thing since sliced bread, I am my mommies little prince) Anyways, that contrasts very differently with a lot of people who I had met when I went to college. For instance, I would say well over half of the kids I went to college with were not only prescribed some sort of drug in that realm, but by the time I met them, they had been snorting it, selling it, and substituting it for coke for quite a while.

Interestingly enough, my first month at college I had a big test and decided to take some aderrall for the first time. My friend gave me some aderrall, and the pills looked so small I figured I was supposed to take everything he gave me (which ended up being 90 milligrams). Needless to say that was my rude awakening to the world of childhood uppers, pretend heart attacks, nervous twitches, as well as staying up for three days while actually enjoying reading my text book.

Now this might seems like a rant against parents drugging up their kids (I mean shit if little Johnny won't sit down why not throw him some pills to get him to watch TV, instead of asking you for the 500th time why the dogs asshole smells so bad) but really I am pissed that I didn't have that free high and the extra cash, methinks my parents screwed me. Further more on a similar topic, I hardly ever went to the doctor, I don't think it was the 15 minute drive, or the money aspect, I think it is just country mentality. Another angle is that there were only a handful of doctors in my county and they are not the type of doctors you really want to see (See: graduated from Aruba medical school, or they aren't a doctor they just play one on TV, or even stayed at a Holiday Inn Express the night before, that sort of thing). I have noticed that my friends go to the doctor with the sniffles, but for some reason I am reluctant to go when my knee swells up to the size of a melon, or when I have had a fever and diarrhea for 10 days (do you guys even know what 10 day diarrhea is like? not good). It's just how I grew up, eventually you will feel better...most of the time. Me and my friends were raised with the, rub some dirt on it mentality, mostly because dirt is plentiful where we are from, doctors are not. This was all brought on by the fact that I have been sick for like a week, but still feel miserable.

I would also like to point out some of the subtle differences in childhoods between my friends and myself. First off where I am from if you are a junior or a third or fourth etc, that means that your family is uncreative, or your parents want you to live up to your daddy's potential (either jail, or crop farming, or if your lucky a cop). But I have noticed that the people I went to school with, if they are a jr or a third or fourth, the farther down you are the bigger your trust fund ( I knew a sixth in college and lets just say he did not eat ramen noodles very often) (actually funny story there, his parents owned ramen noodles... the company). Where I am from if you stand out in front of my school and look in any direction you can only see corn (soybean every 4th year). Where the people I went to college with went to school, if you walk out in front of their high school and look around you are likely to see BMW dealerships, Jared's Galleria, Starbucks and another competing BMW dealership. Also where we are from a 16th birthday present that is quite common is a gun rack, me personally, I don't own a gun, let alone have the need for a gun rack (thanks Wayne, thanks Garth) but that is how I grew up. My friends however would mostly receive the password to their trust fund, a watch that was worth more than my parents house, or a check with more zero's in it than my current credit card statement (a lot of zeros, a lot). Another thing is the dating restrictions, I have friends who have dated their adopted cousins (which is ok and still very very weird at the same time) and I have friends who are dating their younger brothers babies momma ( that means the older brother dates the mother of the younger brothers child). Maybe that isn't so weird but I have a hard time seeing Buffy betraying Grant and dating his older brother Kit, the country club would be aghast at such a happening. But where I am from that is completely normal.

In the end I could not be happier with how I grew up, we rode our bikes into the woods, built forts, went fishing, swam in lakes (very very gross lake, that may now be sewage dumps, ugh) played with things we shouldn't have (drugs, guns, girls, fire, alcohol etc.) and we lived to tell about it. And I am glad thats how it was, I really am.