Early Bird Is the most Tired Bird

In life I find there are few things that annoy me quite as much as my alarm clock's alarm sound, besides matt james that is. Obviously the logical thought is to get an alarm clock that has one of those rain forest modes, or one that says "wake up, its time to wake up prince Garett" in a calm and soothing voice. That would be missing the point really, as no matter what sound is determined to wake me up at 7am I will learn to hate, I am good at that. I was thinking this morning about how alarm clocks are more universally hated than just about any other thing in the world, yes I know what your thinking, people can't hate alarm clocks more than rectal thermometers, getting a hernia check for sports as a kid (meaning your doctor has to cup your balls with his hands while you cough), watching someone who is a tad heavy do the shake weight, snowboarding, or being on public transportation with someone that smells very much like their own urine, that sort of thing. The issue is most of these only happen occasionally, unless YOU'RE that person that is on public transportation that smells like urine (which i guess if it was you, you might be used to it) Honestly I believe it isn't close, alarm clocks are on the same level as the guy who wrote "who let the dogs out", the person who created Hello Kitty, or any woman on any season of Real Housewives. Thats some pretty elite company.

Furthermore what I thought is interesting is everyones alarm habits. For instance my lovely fiancee is a quick riser, she has one alarm and one snooze every morning. I on the other hand am quite different, I set an alarm for 5:50AM, then have 15 minute snooze intervals all the way up to 6:50, then i ahve a second alarm set for 6:50 with 10 minute snooze intervals that i can hit once, or twice if I am feeling very lazy, that is a total of 5-6 snoozes every morning. In my mind it gives me a "gradual wake up". On the flip side though this also means I hear my alarm about 4-5 times more than most people. Frequently when I am dreaming and I hear my alarm, the alarm will become part of my dream. So for instance the other night I was desperately trying to break into a Krispy Kreme Doughnut Store "in my dreams" and as I was nearing entry to that sweet sweet heaven, I heard a noise, I turned around and the cops had me surrounded, but their sirens sounded a little off, what the fuck is that noise? My alarm clock, ugh, their sirens where my alarm clock. Here I was ready for an epic doughnut battle involving a sweet shootout (not bullets, sprinkles only) followed by a high speed getaway in a doughnut truck (doughnuts for wheels), etc. But is was foiled by my alarms incessant need to wake me up, my alarm is sooo needy.

Another funny thing about waking up is a persons response time to your alarm. For instance I am a mixed bag, sometimes i shoot up out of bed as if I heard an ice cream truck playing its song outside and I know I only have 45 seconds to catch it before its too far (a big fear of mine). While other times I don't respond for several minutes (this is typically when I am getting down and dirty with Jenny McCarthy Circa the Singled Out Era on MTV. It's ok everyone Jenny McCarthy is in my "three" so its all good. I will elaborate on that another day).

Lastly, my favorite part of waking up is laying in bed for the first few moments and running through my list of possible excuses to not go in, or to go in late. Every morning I think of different excuses for reasons not to go in. This ranges form the normal, my car wouldn't start, to the crazy, I got mugged and the robber took my car key but not my car.....?. Sometimes I get a little creative, for instance: A trash truck has me blocked in, I am on a date with Jenny McCarthy, I scheduled a dentist appointment late late late the night before and have to go in early this morning, or I broke my ankle on the way down the stairs, but it should be all better by tomorrow. Only thing is that as I wake up every morning I realize how retarded this all sounds. So I go to the bathroom where I sit on the pot and set my third alarm... just kidding, I am not that ridiculous, thats only some mornings.

Can't Decide Which I like Better:

Doughnuts or Hotdogs. What you thought I was Talking about Jenny? Please people I am an engaged man, Jenny has no place in my life.....only in my dreams.

PS: Thursday is Going to be Guest Writer Day, so anyone who might want to share their Little Diddy (actually thats what I called my penis for a while) with the rest of the crew please let me know and we can have a nice reoccurring guest spot every Thursday. Thanks Guys Let me know who is in!