Photo of the Day
Since it sounds like the blog is dying today.... I will confess the real reason I was a part of this in the first place....
The Best That Never Was
So since this is my last Blog post, I figured I would go back and highlight my favorite moments from the past few weeks of writing that I have been doing. Also I am tired today and don't feel like attempting (and I stress attempting) to be funny.
-About my fear of tampons:
"My question is do you think they thought that i was merely immature and given my height just a high school student with a beard, or do you think they sensed my fear of tampons and tampon holders?"
-What celebrity I look like:
"And Yes, if I had a nickel for every time I have been asked to do the truffle shuffle I would be a rich man. Sadly."
- How hard working I am
"I mean lets be honest people, despite the fact that i spent 26 hours punking matt james for 6 straight days, or the fact that writing this letter takes me about an hour and a half every morning, i work harder than all the rest of you times 10."
-Caption Contest:
1.I know something you don't know, you dirty dog!
2. I can't believe they are playing the electric slide, they know i love the electric slide, Guess I am going to have to show them just what a true electric slide is, It's ELECTRIC!!!!
Odds Maker:
-1 / 100 - (again, note that this pays out 1% if it happens) These are the odds that if Brett goes out on NYE that no matter what he did that night that he ends up on his couch in his undies, with an elmer fudd hat on, a crave case (no pickles mother fucker), some creepy asian porn on the computer, and a blow up doll with a Dick Clark face mask on in the corner. It's pretty much already done. count it.
-3.5 / 1 - Matt James some how blows up/ sets on fire/ collapses/ or in any other way destroys his new house within the first month: Now I know what you are thinking "holy shit i need to empty my life savings and bet on that immediately", well yes this is incredibly highly likely, but he has been getting much more mature and I really think hes got this one.... aww shit, what am I saying that shit will be rubble in 5 days.
- About Photo Bombing:
"Just straight bombing:
These are your prototypical photo bombs, these people are busy keeping it real and know that a bomb is a bomb is a bomb, so why mess with a good thing, you could say these types of bomber are keeping it real. They enjoy the finer things in life because they aren't too busy figuring out what kind of bomber they wanna be they just are."
- How Shitty My House is:
"yes that right my AC went out in the middle of august this year. Are you guys familiar with swamp ass? It was like i was sitting in a leather car seat with vinyl pants on, while dancing my ass off to Kei$ha with the seat warmers on high all day."
-About Mitch's Fantasy Football Win:
"Thats right, auto draft = league win, Your heard it here, laziness and inflated self worth = money and fame. This is what we are teaching our children?. Balderdash, this self centered, egomaniacal mess has to stop."
-About the bullshit Power Bracelets:
"I am gonna start selling dolls made out of hair that supposedly cure depression and just have taylor swift endorse the shit out of it and I will be rich"
"I thought we were in an economic depression? But somehow everyone who can't afford bread can definitely afford a rubber bracelet so they can follow their dreams of being the absolute best guy that plays basketball in his Thursday night church rec league?"
-General:
"If I am being awesome standing in a forest and no one is around to see how awesome I am, am I still awesome.....or just great?"
-Negotiating
"I mean this man thong was the end all be all of man thongs, we are talking sequins, a pocket for your cell phone, an input jack for your iPod, and fleece lined inside for those cold Ohio winter months."
-Hipsters
"dude!"
"what dude?"
"dude i am worried, i think we are gonna get too much pussy tonight."
-A Columbus Hipster is the equivalent of a skier from Mexico, it doesn't mean they aren't a skier, it just means they probably suck.
-Bucket List:
8. Play basketball with Mugsey Bouges, Spud Webb, and Earl Boykins (all under 5'6" basketball players). That has always been personal dream #1. I think I could dunk on Mugsey! Oh.... i forgot to mention we would be playing on an 8 foot rim..... with one of those little trampolines in front of the hoop.
9.Become a Certified Public Accountant. I really like numbers and I've always thought that..... aww who am I kidding, that shit sounds so fucking boring. I literally wouldn't do that if someone held a gun to my head for the entire 15 years it would take me to pass that stupid test.
-General
-Country Living vs Upscale Living:
There were only a handful of doctors in my county and they are not the type of doctors you really want to see (See: graduated from Aruba medical school, or they aren't a doctor they just play one on TV, or even stayed at a Holiday Inn Express the night before, that sort of thing)
Another thing is the dating restrictions, I have friends who have dated their adopted cousins (which is ok and still very very weird at the same time) and I have friends who are dating their younger brothers babies momma ( that means the older brother dates the mother of the younger brothers child). Maybe that isn't so weird but I have a hard time seeing Buffy betraying Grant and dating his older brother Kit, the country club would be aghast at such a happening.
-The "Three"
But if I am being honest there is only room in my heart for one super rich woman and that my friends is the sexy, the effervescent, the voluptuous.... OPRAH!!!!! I mean i popped a wood just thinking about getting my hands on some of her money....
Oprah is my "Great White Buffalo
-Guest Post:
Care Bears is simply outmatched by the erotic androgynous glory that is The Smurfs.
First off, the constant sexual tension between Smurfette and the rest of the cast was both palpable and inescapable.
TMNT makes up ground in the hottie department – April was a stone cold fucking fox in that yellow jumpsuit.
-Random Links:
BEST REVENGE PLOT EVER!!!!
http://www.theregister.co.uk/2011/01/07/worst_xmas_present/
-On Tom Hanks' Son who is the rapper Chet Haze:
With rhymes like that I think he should have rap named himself, hank hanks, hank Squared, or Chester Chesty.
-On ICP's Newest song "Miracles":
It would be even more of a miracle if their kids weren't so fucked up by age 12 that Dr. Drew doesn't create a new show called "Celebrity Rehab: The Clown Kids Edition" I mean if your parents were retarded clowns you wouldn't stand a chance either.
Its Been fun guys!!!
Video of the Day
I think I found Napoleon's long lost audition tape for his rap career he eluded to yesterday....
Time To Get Your Swell On
So I recently Joined a gym and it has been a while. But in that time I had forgotten my disdain for some of the types of people that "workout" aka "be seen" at the gym. When my roommate and I go to the gym its business time. When we go to workout, it is as fast as possible, then leave. The gym isn't my hangout place, or a lounge for me to be social in (thats waht the LBGT bar across the street is for). It's a place with heavy things that I can lift repeatedly until I am tired. thats what a gym is for me, but unfortunately that isn't the case with everyone. You have your yellers, your grunters, your posers literally and figuratively, your juice heads, your wispy runners, your need to be seen-ers, the old fogies, the lurkers and more. I guess I should detail these for you in case you aren't familiar.
1. In the world of annoying gym people, the yellers are pretty common but also pretty annoying. These guys have come in for a serious work out, but they really want you to know how serious their workout is. They signal this by yelling at the end of almost every rep, crescendoing into a primal scream that alerts you to the end of their set. Its somewhere between a howler monkey and a man passing a kidney stone (equal parts). If I don't have my headphones turned up all the way and there is more than one yeller in the gym at one time, I occasionally lose myself and think I am at a slipknot concert. Either that or in the middle of prime gorilla mating season, either way is equally miserable. Sometimes I think maybe I should go help them and their screams are a cry for help, but normally I just listen with hatred and hope that their arms really do give out.
2.Grunters are the next subset of worker outers (I said it). Grunters are not just men, but more often then not they are women. This is really more of a subset of yellers, but it deserves its own category. Grunters are more subdued than yellers, there is no"grand finale" on their sets, just a consistent low level grunt that follows every rep, never missing a single rep. What other activity can you think of where on every single "repetition" someone lets out a low level grunt? No not the shakeweight... sex. This is what is weird about this category, when you get a couple of grunters in the same gym all of a sudden it turns into Barry Lincolns "sex or Weightlifting" skit in a hurry. Ya know when you are in the south and the crickets are going crazy but all simultaneously to one another, thats what it is like with multiple grunters in the same gym. A symphony of grunts thats is equally amusing as it is vomit inducing.
3. Now onto the Posers/ Poseurs. The biggest expense in any modern gym? Mirrors. They are roughly 87% of any gym's start up budget, otherwise how can steroid stanley look at his biceps 37 times a minute? If he can't see how big his arms look how is he gonna know hes getting any bigger? These are some tough questions that need answered for your typical poser. I mean not only does he stand 8 inches away from the mirror staring himself straight in the eye for the added intensity, but he checks himself out walking from one machine to the next, or if possible he likes to check himself out in a combo of mirrors getting angles of himself that he normally only dreams of. The other side of this are your not lifting posers, these are the guys that come in and lift like one set and then walk around looking at themselves in the mirror. Most posers actually do work out so they can get the most out of their mirror time, but non working out posers really just want the mirror and wish these weight would go away so he didn't have to be bothered while checking himself out. Oddly enough this exists in quite small numbers with the women at my gym, I assume they have their own mirror rigs at home and have no need for public mirror viewing. Jack Lalane would not be impressed with these people.
4.Now for a comparison of equally crazy work out styles. The juicers versus the wispy runners. A true juicer would really be a yeller and a poser at the same time but even more than that they are obviously much larger than a normal human should be. Really its the tri-fecta of douch-ie workout people. Veins popping typically more tan than someone should be for mid winter in Ohio, and always have at least one visible tribal tattoo, this subset is easily recognizable (think jersey shore). Instead of the GTL motto, I propose a GYP motto (grunt, yell, pose). A noticeable difference with these style lifters are that some posers will try to be discreet about blatantly checking themselves out, not juicers, they not only want you to look at them, they want you to look at them looking at themselves. Now thats some heavy shit. (get it "heavy" shit)
Anyways their counterparts I actually find more annoying, the wispy runners. These runners come in with their skinny ass legs and just look at you with a smirk that says " I can run more than you Mr Cankles, and I am going to make a spectacle of it." Anyone who says they don't glance over at the person next to them's machine is a liar. These runners get on the treadmill next to you, look at what your doing, double it, and this is their warm up. If I am on the elliptical I can't tell you how many times I see one of these runners get on the machine, put the exact scenario that I am in, then watch them churn out double the reps, while smugly looking over at my 81 calories burned 38 minutes in. Also while I am literally chugging along, struggling to get my foot in front before I make a "Jackass" scene on the treadmill, they are over there bouncing away running easily into mile 8 while I am about 1/4 mile in and struggling. Wispy Runners are the most elite feeling people in the gym, they aren't scared of mister meat head, he would never catch them if they were to scuffle, these runners are without a care in the world except being scene steve prefontaine-ing your ass all over the gym. Both of these types of work outers are in it for you to know they are better and to see that they are better at the same time.
5. Now for my last category The lurkers. This is also a slight crossover for the non-working out poser (except the non working out poser still loves to pose, while the lurker does not pose, he simply lurks). The lurkers are the people that seem to come to the gym to listen to their ipod (Katy Perry of course) (BTW isn't Kitty Perry the best cat name you ever heard? So contemporary, yet so elegant). Thats it, they just wanna listen to some music and walk around for a while. I don't mean walk on the treadmill, I mean literally walk around the gym. They come in and the first sign of a lurker is a ridiculously long stretch. I am talking stretching their neck for 15 minutes, they stretch their toes and who could forget the proper wrist stretches ( you should never work out before spending at least 10-12 minutes on stretching you wrists). Then after an extended stretching session that includes some yoga moves developed by Stephen Hawking, they then proceed to scope out the gym landscape. As if it were a magic eye poster and if they could only find the leg press machine in the picture . Then after all of this planning and analyzing they head to a machine rip out 4-6 reps of calf raises, then stretch their wrists for another 15 minutes of grimacing to show that they may have over exerted themselves. In a weird way these people think not only that you are looking at them but they want you to see how they are hurting after doing exercises meant for a 3rd Grader and sympathize with them.
Oh one more, My all time most disturbing Gym Patron goes to...... The ball adjusters. Maybe I am not so anatomically gifted as some people, but there is no need to adjust your balls 500 times in a 30 minute workout. I watched a guy the other day (WITH FREE WEIGHTS!) set down a dumbbell with his one arm with the other arm over his head with the other dumbbell, so he could scratch his junk, in the middle of his set, he then resumed after a significant scratch. Again maybe my little diddy isn't as formidable as others but for the love of god man, get some compression shorts or something, either that or see your doctor about those crabs. Even funnier was later this kid did the same thing but scratched under the shorts (for an extended shake down), but I was watching long enough to see him apparently forget this then about 40-50 seconds later I saw him wipe the sweat off his face with the same hand, hahaha, that is gym karma right there.
Getting a Bad Rap
STREETSWEEPER, DESORT STORM, THIS THAT NEW SHIT, DJ NAPOLE- EON IN THE HOUSE!!!! I have decided to leave behind my career as a box man ( i make boxes) to go into the much more exciting and lucrative career of being a white rapper. I have found that it takes little skill and even less effort to put out a rap song so why not. I obviously have some free time. My album is gonna be called wheat bread, cuz i am more wholesome than white, and my angle is gonna be the super witty white rapper, that has really clever rhymes. Now an ode to some of my forefathers:
"I see miracles all around me/ Stop and look around, it's all astounding/ Water, fire, air and dirt/ Fucking magnets, how do they work?/ And I don't wanna talk to a scientist/ Y'all motherfuckers lying, and getting me pissed"
First off is ICP, the insane clown posse, they have been around since I was a middle schooler, but there latest album/ song is just too much awesomeness, dare I call it a miracle? In "miracles" the song is about ICP revealing themselves not as clown worshiping pimps, or law breaking madmen, but as Jesus loving Christians. Furthermore the song is about things that ICP think are miracles because it is simply to crazy to exist:
"Then it's easy to miss what really goes on, But I've seen miracles in every way, And I see miracles everyday"
Here we see the beginning of the song and they set the premise, where ICP sees miracles in every way, everyday. I find it a miracle that after years and years of being fake clowns that these guys still have groupies, I mean how does that pick up line work, "hey baby I got size 25 feet and a clown car we can go back to?" or "You can squeeze my nose if I can squeeze your...." or even better, " I used to be a rodeo clown, but i gave that up, now the bull is in my pants, Wah Wah (squeezes a horn in his pants)!" OK, lets continue:
Wow, so now its starting to get thick, I mean Dirt as a miracle? Water maybe, but not dirt. Fucking magnets how do they work? well i am pretty sure that magnets work by creating their own magnetic field but ya know now that you mention it that could be a miracle too? And I agree fuck those scientists, they sit in their lab coats all day doing fake experiments, i bet "bacteria" is fake, so are "cells" and "genes" and stuff, all fake, sorry you had to hear it here:
"I seen a caterpillar turn into a butterfly"
OMFG, now the shit has literally hit the fan, I cant believe I never put this shit together before, A FUCKING CATERPILLAR INTO A BUTTERFLY!!!! Holy shit, consider me to be worshiping at the alter of the clown from this point forward. Bozo For life mother fuckers!!!! These guys are blowing my mind!!
"Miracles ain't nothing to lie/ Shaggy's little boys look just like Shaggy/ And my little boy looks just like daddy"
Ok, OK, now this really is a miracle. Someone had sex with fat forty something clowns (the first real miracle in all of this). I bet the kids "kind of" look like shaggy and daddy, but really more look like the mailman/pool boy. But that too is probably just a miracle, and DNA tests? Those fucking scientists are pissing shaggy off! I mean they are 40 something year old clowns for fucks sake, I guarantee there babies mommas are "miracles" aka have down syndrome. It would be even more of a miracle if their kids weren't so fucked up by age 12 that Dr. Drew doesn't create a new show called "Celebrity Rehab: The Clown Kids Edition" I mean if your parents were retarded clowns you wouldn't stand a chance either.
"Look at the mountains, trees, the seven seas/ And everything chilling underwater, please.../ Hot lava, snow, rain and fog/ Long neck giraffes, and pet cats and dogs"
Lets go through the questions in my head:
What about the mountains are a miracle? that the tectonic plates the earth is made of slid together to form.... fuck it, who am I even talking to, the scientists are mother fucking liars, don't get shaggy pissed.
Are the "things" underwater really chilling?
Are you asking me or telling me please?
And I bet my white ass you cannot name all seven seas? The Clown Sea? really, thats your answer?
Snow, rain, and fog? does anyone else feel like we have set the miracle bar pretty low? I mean it snowed all week last week, only way I see a miracle is if i get a day off work.
Pet cats and dogs? you cannot be serious? that is a fucking miracle? ok I give up on this one, thats just too stupid for me to even mock:
"Fucking rainbows after it rains/ There's enough miracles here to blow your brains
I fed a fish to a pelican at Frisco bay/ It tried to eat my cell phone, he ran away"
I fed a fish to a pelican at Frisco bay/ It tried to eat my cell phone, he ran away"
Ok this is getting bad now. Rainbows are too much for a psychotic clown to process, it has literally blown his mind (when they wrote that line do you think they both envisioned a cartoon rainbow with a gun? I do.) And the pelican at frisco bay eating your cell phone? He was probably trying to call your record label to ask them what the fuck their problem is and why they produce you records? Either that or he was a bird who eats things people have in their hands, one or the other I can't decide. ICP are some of the true pioneers of white rap, but they have never quite made it mainstream all the way. And that I consider to be a Miracle.
I know this is a long post but it really got me going about white rappers, so much so that I had to mention one Mr. Chet Haze. Chet's real name growing up was Chester, and it wan't haze but Hanks. Hmm Hanks is an odd last name, who else would have a name like Hanks?
Chester's Flow can get heavy quick:
"White kicks/ Purple kush/ This is college, hittin blunts after hittin books,"
With rhymes like that I think he should have rap named himself, hank hanks, hank Squared, or Chester Chesty. Something more awesome than Chet Haze, that would accurately represent his awesome flow. Also who woulda thought an underground rapper could have afforded white kicks and purple haze, he must be getting his money from illegal activities, or.....
Anyways on with the flow:
"I got a call from the brothers in the frat house/ I'm with my girl, tryin to get up under that blouse/ She a freshman/ She a freak though/ In the bed, but a lady in the street, yo."
1. Your in a frat?
2. Your trying to get under that blouse? your tom hanks kid, there should be no trying, just smack her in the face with a stack of hundos and while she is disorientated pull a Roethlisberger.
3.If you are trying to get under the blouse (and btw blouse is a term used in the golden girls, not a hot new rap song) how do you know shes a freak? Oh i get it all your "brothers" already hit it and they told you about it.
4. Your dad must me so proud!
That is for my ode to the white rappers holding it down in the world today. Any other white rappers that deserve a shout out please feel free to comment on. Yay Team Participation!!!!
Random For Random's Sake
So, thought I was gonna have a two hour delay today, but the franklin county people thought instead i should risk my life driving to work on their unplowed streets, to those people I give a big salute and a fuck you. Now as for todays post, I am tired and kind of pissy, so I am just having a bunch of links, photos, and blurbs that I take from somewhere else. Now I can hear all of you screaming at the screen right now "wait no witty banter from my favorite writer? Fuck this friday!". TO that I will say I will add some of my own commentary albeit brief and limited. Some of these links are old some are new, some are in between. In addition to that since everyone loves when i have contests (because so many of you participate and when I say so many I mean 3) about who adds the best Link in the comments section.
I was gonna come with it. Out of nowhere.
Here are some Fuckyeahmenswear shots and comments. If you do not like this, then you probly watch Two and a Half Men and think that Kevin James movies are oscar worthy and that its time for jeff foxworthy to make a motherfucking comeback BABY!!!(truth is I wish that was my blog, I would have like 10,000 followers instead of 8):
I was gonna come with it. Out of nowhere.Hit these creamsicle lookin’ ass cats in the motherfucking mouth. With that all black er’thang. Clandestine level shit. All gloves. No sleeves. But word got out. Exposed. The greatest player hater of them all. These watchdogs are barking up the wrong tree. How am I supposed to hop up out the bed? And turn my swag on? When haters hop up on the Tumblrs. And turn their scopes in my direction. When your this ahead of the curve. Your shit is not confidential. Why do I wear all black? To mourn the passing of swag.
This is the best thing I have ever seen on the internets (thats right i used the multiple form, its cuz there is the regular internets then the internets the Govt doesn't want you to see, Conspiracy to the max):
Woah, woah, woah. Hold up, son. You go to a public university? The fuck is that? Seriously. What does that even mean? Is that one of those places with tuition cheaper than my high school? Is that one of those places founded after my family already made their fortune? Is that one of those places that make you wear socks to class? Is that one of those places that doesn't have any pics in the Life Archives? It doesn't count. Scarves or it didn't happen. Is your roommate some fucking townie? Who wears sweatpants to parties? BoO? And carries ID on lanyard? And rocks Adido’s slip-ons in public?What’s his nickname? Fucking, J-Bone? I wear cream Wallows to the weight room. Squash in 2-inch cuffs. And talk to bitches about my full-ride blogarship. But seriously. The fuck is a public university?
From I am Remembering:
http://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=21372129181
Does she really know it all? Seems like if she knew it all she would be able to find an acting gig these days, just sayin.
Does it get any better than this? If so then your parents where probably mormans who didn't let you watch nickelodeon.
I am not as young as you drunk I am.
Where in the fuck is he, ive been on this one for 2 hours.
Laptop Schmaptop, ill take my trapper keeper over that ipad anyday. 80's till i die.
Everyone has low points, this is ken's.
it does get better than double dare, and this is it.
Just to make us all feel bad about our lives.
You know that will smith song, sometimes parents just don't understand? I think I might have to agree.
A series of Garfield minus Garfield (In case your a retard, it's basically the comic with garfield taken out. And by basically I mean it is)
another feel bad moment brought to you by central ohio weather.
And Finally my two fave news stories of the week:
BEST REVENGE PLOT EVER!!!!
http://www.theregister.co.uk/2011/01/07/worst_xmas_present/
Thanks Guys, feel free to share some links and get a free t shirt.
